It’s 5pm on a Wednesday, I am sitting in my bed because well there isn’t anywhere else to sit.
The couch has been shipped off, the table packed in the back of our Honda.
It’s a time for reflection, for diving deep to these last eight months.
And what an eight months it has been, WOAH.
Gus and I moved into this space, this bright empty lush space, fresh into our relationship, fresh into this life I had created for myself on the other side of the world.
I have seen the best of days, I have seen the worst of days in this home.
Weeks in bed with bags of peas on my head, as I suffered migraine after migraine.
Nights filled with laughter and me pouting as Gus kicked my butt AGAIN in a card game I taught him *eye roll.
Theres this piece of paper I found recently, November 2017 – from my time in Thailand. I wrote it on the full moon before I knew anything about the full moon and the power it holds. A girl I had met along the way told me to sit on the beach and write down my hopes and dreams for the upcoming year.
I spoke of a space of my own, with big windows and incents burning, full of lush plants and love. (also a cat, but you know can’t have everything you want in life)
I found that a couple of months ago, and I looked around at my reality. At everything I’ve dreamed of, in front of me. What a powerful reminder it was of the need to get really deep and real with what you want in life, and trust the course.
We don’t know when the things we dream of will come to us, but if you can have the faith they will, then they will. It’s as simple as that.
While I was back in America a couple of months ago, I suffered pretty badly in the depths of my heart. I didn’t want to come back to Australia, this life here was hard and lonely, and it wasn’t the life I wanted anymore..
JUNE 8TH 2019:
but how do you find that clarity and grace without traveling overseas/ away from your life for six weeks? that’s the question i’ve been searching for these last weeks.
i think so much of it is living without fear. it’s when you know deep in your bones something isn’t working, taking appropriate action to remove yourself. i am not talking quitting a job the moment it bores you or feels uncomfortable. i am talking when you know in your gut, your heart, your voice that you aren’t happy, walking towards any purpose, it feels more like you’re paddling upstream than floating down the river. it’s in that moment that you make the choice to explore what else. what else can you do? sitting around waiting for it to be handed to you is never an answer. what can you actively be walking towards?
for me, in full transparency, i really do not like running a marketing business. i hate having to bang on ‘doors’ to get people to see the value i can bring their business. i really dislike the hours i spend speaking with people that turn into a no. it isn’t the business for me, but i have this idea in my head because i’ve invested the money and the time that quitting isn’t an option. just give it more time. more emails. more phone calls. however, it exhausts me to the bone. not continuing on makes me feel exactly as sick as continuing on though.
that’s what i am talking about people. don’t just stay because you feel like it’s what you’re ‘supposed to do’ stay because you WANT to stay.
that thought currently ripples through every part of my being.
i have absolutely no clue where professionally i am heading.
i have absolutely no clue what corner of the earth i want to live.
basically, i have no clue about anything in my life right now. what an incredibly uncomfortable and familiar place to be.
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
That’s almost exactly two months ago. I was feeling all that to the depths of me, but I honoured needing to come back to my life, and with an open heart, really give everything a fair shot. To be open, and kind to myself and to the ones closest to me, to try a different approach with my business.
And because I honoured, and did just that, life has aligned back up for me.
Because it’s truly and whole heartedly realising its all ups and downs, mountains and valleys, highs and lows.
And because without those ebs and flows, you would truly not be able to appreciate it all. The simple moments of looking around, inhaling how damn lucky you are.
“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.”
To have a job, to have family, to have a person to call and have a quick chat with, to have a way to get around, to have a plant that hasn’t died, to have a boss who makes you really angry sometimes which is only challenging you to be better, to have a roof over your head, a job that pays your bills and allows you to eat food you crave and love. The low periods cause space to APPRECIATE WITH EVERY OUNCE OF YOU, all the above I just listed.
But you have to open up that space inside of you to realise what the ups and downs are for.
Gus and I are off to a new adventure, a big green lush house with another couple we adore. An office space to grow my business even more, in all the ways I DESIRE. A trip planned to Brazil, so many deep conversations and growth between us.
Hold true to the course my loves. Hold true to the faith in your heart that everything WILL be okay. Truly and whole heartedly, okay?
No matter what it feels like at this moment.
And don’t live small okay? Don’t live in comfort for too long. Make changes, try new. Get really uncomfortable so you can grow, and grow some more.
“Mediocrity will never do. You are capable of something better..”