“But my darling, there’s no such thing as the light at the end of the tunnel, you must realize that you are the light..”
I can’t say it actually feels like it’s only been three months since I’ve written, feels more like a lifetime actually. That’s what 2019 has felt like so far, a lifetime. I’d be lying if I said it’s been my favorite year to date, but I can say it has been the year of the most learning,
Most of the year has felt of a battle truthfully; a battle of health – a battle of learning new skills – a battle of being a partner – a battle of exhaustion
I’ve lost my footing more times than I’ve been firmly planted. I’ve questioned it all, contemplated burning it all down at least once a week, and spent multiple days sitting in self defeat.
This moment a couple of months ago in the car, sitting heavy in my gut, Gus looking over at me as I was stressed out about something irrelevant I’m sure, and saying dead as, “Kels you have got to calm down, you are going to have a stroke by 30.” That shit was real. That shit jump started my heart, and opened my eyes to this realization that I’ve been lying to myself most of my life in saying “I’m not someone who really gets stressed out.” and giving me this clarity that I need to sort myself out, before I continue to self sabotage any future success/happiness/alignment I’m worthy of.
“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”
In January I decided to invest in & start my own business, a marketing business working with a variety of businesses, that I can do from anywhere in the world. Because the reality is, in the depths of my heart I know I need that freedom and flexibility to feel fully secure with my life. I also have no business working for someone else the rest of my days on this beautiful planet, being my own boss is the only concept that makes complete sense to me.
However, I’ve quickly learned that running your own business is not even close to a breezy walk in the park at the start. Its grit, its saying no to what feels like every social gathering you could imagine, its a lot of work and little return and forcing yourself to stay patient through that process. It’s still needing to work your full time job as your bank accounts does not miraculously double in size when you decide to be a business owner, quite the opposite actually; it’s still having a household to care for, food to make, groceries to buy; it’s still needing to show up to your partner and their needs; it’s still working hard to keep close relationships with your girlfriends; it’s finding the time and desire to take care of your health and move your body.
I believe its no coincidence I began getting migraines after years with none around this same period.
However, it’s all been such a damn blessing. I am a firm believer that every single point in your life that pushes you around, forces you to sprint up hills that feel never ending, is actually the best thing that could happen to you. The resilience, the confidence, the strength you gain from these periods is beyond priceless and worthwhile. Survival through the tough shit is not something you can learn from a book, or gain from listening to a podcast. It’s in these experiences you must live through.
Sitting on the couch three weeks ago, absolutely gutted from life. On my 8th straight day of work. headache, could barely keep my eyes open from pure exhaustion, feeling as if my relationship was so far off from what I had ever envisioned for us, finding Gus and his annoyingly cute chipmunk cheeks, swinging his feet back and forth, propped up on his elbows, looking at me with wonder, “honey what’s going on, lets talkkkkkk” – cue the ugly sobs. “I am empty in life. I have no inspiration, no magic, no god. I feel absolutely nothing.” We went on for a couple of hours like this, heart opening/wrenching conversations, waking up in the AM with plans to throw it all out, to go back to a few months ago when life was safe and cushy. no pressures of work, no business. what was the point of all of it really? As I was searching for inspiration, I dug out my dusty ole trusted tarot cards, and as the universe and this majestic world would have, I pulled The Magician, essentially telling me to buck the f*ck up, get a plan in action, that I feel aligned with, stick to it, hustle hard, and I’ll continue to manifest my wildest dreams. jokes on me for thinking I could ever take the cushy easy way out of life. ❤
“Life is at its best when everything has fallen out of place, and you decide that you’re going to fight to get them right, not when everything is going your way and everyone is praising you.”
Don’t force these periods away, don’t sit in sorrow of ‘why me?’ Rather, get knocked around, and keep getting the f*ck up and try again. try something different, think differently, gain insight. grow. become better. make it all worth it. cause if not, whats the point of it all?
Every exhausted night of ugly cries led to powerful conversations full of vulnerability from me, on learning how to express the ways I need to be loved, to Gus. It led me to understand how to show up and balance better as his friend and lover. Dropping the ego, listening and learning.
This tough period has given me the clarity of the love Gus and I share for each other, the trust I’ve found in him that I’ve never found in another person. If that’s what this darkness has been for, then I thank every single dark day and would revisit each one a thousand times over.
Every onset of a migraine forced me to slow the f*ck down and think seriously about what I was doing to my body with stress and this ‘no time for movement’ mentality.
Every self defeating thought has been matched with the learning of a new skill that comes with being a business owner and feeling that grave reward. Alongside this unwavering belief in who I am as a person, the deep passion I know that lives inside of me, and the grit I have to not give up no matter what. Still making every effort possible to walk into everyday with compassion and grace for myself, and for others.
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
And the beauty is, there’s still so much more to learn..
how to say yes more and keep life playful and fun
how to be much easier on myself
how to continue to learn life isn’t going to fall apart if I release some control
how to quit working full time with an unwavering confidence in my faith of my business taking off
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
And as I jet set off to America for six weeks, I plan to use every single one of these upcoming days to dig deeper, to do the self work necessary, and come back to Australia with an unwavering clarity that I am on the right path and continuing to move along as my absolute best self
the progression is to be continued.. ❤