The unfolding over a year..

“Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”

Just hit SUBMIT on my visa application.  Holy f*ck, this visa has made me feel like a monster, so THANK GOD for that submit button.

February has been such a whirlwind. I think I’ve spent more days battling with my subconscious in tears than I have twirling in the sun. img_0259

(twirling in the sun is a thing here, just have a google of Byron Bay) 

I am celebrating one year, one year I have been here. No part of that sentence feels real or makes sense. 

How in the HELL have I been here for one year?

And while it has truly been the most beautiful year of my life, growth wise, friendship wise, partnership wise, professionally, its beyond hard to breath into the moment right these last ten days or so.

“You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

My subconscious has been attempting to sabotage me every thought along the way. Every few nights having these dreams, taking me back to another lifetime ago, a different mess10524302_10203178658440534_6405875972277970871_n every time. Coercing me to revisit these pieces of life to, I don’t know, get me to rethink being here, being with Gustavo?

waking up every time feeling strong, aligned, confident in how I’ve arrived here though, thankfully 

Having to rewrite this story in my head, every couple of days this month.

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This story that I’ve created keeps creeping up, that the rush I get from falling in love, and the rush from the heartbreak of a messy ending, that the thrill of buying a plane ticket to an unknown location just weeks before going is all more than this.

How could I want this, when I have the opportunity to have whatever I want?

I could go live in Bali tomorrow. I could go work on Super Yachts and make more money than I’d know what to do with. I could have a different love affair in a different zip code every other month. That me choosing to be here is selfish because I should be home, close to my mom. This is where my subconscious has been taking me this month.

Some days even a little deeper, but I’ll leave those bits out.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

IMG_2302[1]And instead, I am CHOOSING this life, consciously and courageously. This life that I’ve clawed my way to, and when I am in full control of my thoughts, and I am sitting in the moment, is SO MUCH more than I could ever dream of. It tops everything I list above by a landslide. It makes being away from my family, from my mom, my friends worth it.

I just hit submit on a visa application that is linked with this man who truly blows my mind. Challenges me in every sense to be better, be kinder, be more patient, be sillier. Has sacrificed more than I could feel I ever desire to stay here and create this life with me. IMG_5605[1]

If all goes well, we will stay here in Byron Bay until July of 2020 as Gustavo finishes his studies of Sustainable Operations. (two years in the same location, anyone who knows me knows how much FEAR that should bring to me) however it doesn’t. This place, with all its energy, quirks, beauty, is such home to me. After that process ends, we will go on to *fingers crossed* staying (forever) even though I don’t like that word, it’s just too black and white. Working our asses off the next year and half so that we are both financially secure, and can go from Australia to America/Brazil as much as we care

to.  We both long to be close to our families, however, life here in Australia is truly something indescribable.

You live here, you breathe here, you feel joy. 

2019 for me is laying low, working my ass off to grow in my business that I launched in January! Digital marketing- the depths of my soul invested. 

In one month time, I lose the legal right to work more than 20 hours a week. Again, anyone that knows me knows that one of my biggest *strength and weakness* is working way too much. To be dropping to work rights of 20 hours a week makes it feel I am going to suffocate in fear, however, I am putting my entire FAITH and HEART into trusting this process.

into it giving me the energy, space, and time to smash out my business, crushing our financial goals for 2019.

I am going into this next year in Australia with a whole lot of uncertainty, but a whole lot of clarity. 

I know that even on my weakest days, days of crying at work, being a monster with no patience to Gustavo, out of fear for this process, that there is NO WHERE ELSE we should be growing this life together. 

I could have never became the person I have become, without this huge part of the journey.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’”

I encourage every single one of you to do something BOLD this year.

Maybe it isn’t moving to the other side of the world, but maybe it’s leaving that job that isn’t suiting you. not stepping into that master’s program that you are doing because you IMG_7801[1]feel that’s just what your next step is. moving out of your hometown. taking a week trip to Thailand to see how humble a culture poorer than you could imagine still fills you with joy and kindness. ending that relationship YOU KNOW is no longer serving you.

FEEL FEAR. FEEL SCARED. BE COURAGEOUS ANYWAY! 

You’ll be mind blown at how much you grow when you just push yourself out of your comfort zone. 

I promise. 

There’s no such thing as failure, it’s all in the lessons.

So just DO IT. 

And then lemme know how you go ❤ 

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

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