Watching it all burn down..

Today is Halloween.

I am not exactly sure how this is true, but the date at the corner of my screen and my Instagram feed from the States, shows the unlimited variety of costumes and Halloween parties!

This new concept I am still trying to grasp, how dates could hold such a weight on your entire year, and how those dates can lose their weight just like that.

Labor Day, Memorial Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, I’m sure the idea of Christmas will disappear in regards to what it used to be.

Memorial Day used to symbolize the start of summer, warm weather, pool parties.

Labor Day being what brought us into the ending of summer, the cooler weather, back to school, pumpkin spiced lattes.

Halloween being a massive night of costumes and makeup with my best friends.

Thanksgiving being my favorite day of the year since I was a little girl. 

And suddenly all of these days are gone. They aren’t apart of my world anymore. Heading into the busy season here, summer. Which feels so confusing to me, as December is winter, its Christmas, it’s Black Friday. But its just not anymore. 

This sensation really that I have been born again, into a new life. Everything that made sense to me, for the last 25 years, has been rewritten. Dates, people, cities. All gone, replaced with new. Sometimes I still find myself being reminded, walking down the streets in Lancaster running into familiar faces I went to college with, isn’t my reality anymore. It’s such a great reminder to not hold so tight to concepts, ideas, places, people. 

It feels like an eternity since I’ve been here, with a blank page and an endless stream of thoughts. 

Today the thoughts aren’t so endless. I’m a bit mumbled, and fuzzy. Where to begin? How much do I share?

Really hoping this coffee, and view on the ocean will center me here and now with all of you. 

The last two months have been plagued with so many difficult conversations and moments. Every single one of those moments necessary and appreciated, but I’d be lying if I said a few of those moments didn’t feel as if they would break me. A few nights having a hard time catching my breath in between in the tears.

When I moved to Australia eight months ago, I planned for one year here. To get out of debt, to prove to myself I could support myself before beginning a career, being able to completely start over and thrive while doing it.

At absolutely no point did I imagine I’d fall in love with a Brazilian, be planning our migration to Australia together, take on a management role, and start my own business. 

It’s made for weeks of conversations on the phone full of visa requirements, heart sinking conversations of how this won’t work, how that won’t work. Countless shifts at work ending in tossing and turning throughout the entire night from stress. Weeks and week of fifty five hours launching a business and showing up to the leadership role I was given, and loved.

And then the phoenix showed up in the mirror. And burned it all the fu*k down. 

I went from being stable, wouldn’t necessarily use the the word comfortable, but stable none the less, to being without a home, unemployed, and pretty spirituality lost in the course of three days.

“When you stay on purpose and refuse to be discouraged by fear, you align with the infinite self, in which all possibilities exist.”

I got down and prayed, for the first time in five months or so. Such a harsh reality to me of how easily my spirituality goes out of the window when life is going well. It’s an unfair practice of mine, and a reminder quite often when shit hits the fan, how poor of a choice it is. 

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

But none the less, I got down on my knees and prayed. Feeling pretty clueless how to even do that anymore. With some despair, and a little lost. Unable to show up to my partner in a fair way for months, unable to show up to my friendships, unable to even show up for myself. Asking honestly and vulnerably for help. And as to be expected, the help arrived pretty seamlessly. 

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First by the most beautiful conversation from Gustavo. Dude is everything to me. My partner. My cheerleader. My dose of reality. My best friend. The person who takes no shit from my whiny butt, but has my back in every single regard. The person I am going to spend the rest of my life driving absolutely crazy, and loving every single second of it. To having two of the most beautiful places in Byron Bay fighting to bring me on board their team. To landing my DREAM job. To finding a studio apartment, in the middle of the jungle that I get to share with the love of my LIFE. AND having just paid for our extended visa until July of 2020With permanent residency migration to follow.

“Success seems to be connected to action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.”

While the track my life was on burnt down in the course of three days, it re-bloomed in the course of 24 hours. 

Neither of which I could have ever seen coming. But I trusted, even when the worry was more than I could handle. Even when our van door fell off, our back door stopped working, I had to scrub the walls with a tooth brush and force a smile in conversations that were hard to show up for, I did my absolute best to trust in it all.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

Now I am basking in a week off, long overdue. With Gustavo away for work, endless sunshine. Staying with my favorite couple, who have absolutely spoiled me withIMG_1765[1] love and support. Many days full of conversations with girlfriends I’ve neglected as I wallowed in the ‘misery’ of my life. internal EYE ROLL to who I’ve been. 

“If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.”

I wish I could just say, don’t worry. It will all work out. No matter what feels so heavy and overwhelming it will work out. But I would be being dishonest, and not truthful on how I handled everything. We shouldn’t worry, truthfully. Because everything DOES work out, no matter what. Maybe not in the exact way you envisioned, but it does. However I realize as a society, we are prone to worry.

What I can advise is, PRACTICE HOW YOU WORRY:

Don’t be unkind. Don’t be unfair. Don’t be selfish in your struggles. Everyone is struggling in some way. Don’t neglect. The ones that love you. And yourself. Don’t stop eating well. Don’t stop moving your body. Don’t lose your faith. AND most importantly, DON’T GIVE UP. Your next chapter is right around the corner. Hold true to that. Keep fighting. Keep working hard. Keep being kind. Keep loving.     Don’t lose yourself. 

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“The only person you should strive to be better than, is the person you were yesterday. ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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