“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
six months has passed.
I have been in Australia for six months. half a year. what?
I’m not sure I’ve ever grasped how quickly time passes, until this period of my life.
I find myself flipping through the photos on my phone every so often, looking at pictures
from the months leading me up to moving here. occasionally finding myself
stumbling through my journal to the pages in November, December.
every time my eyes filling with tears.
did I appear as lost and broken as I was?
did I even realize how broken I was?
this one journal entry, dated December 6th really lays the reality of the depths I was in.
“what i feel i am sometimes:
half ass @ everything
out of shape”
I then fill the pages with ‘how i can be better’
wear clothes that fit me better to be sexier, go out more, party harder to be more fun.
believing in that list full heartendly, bringing myself down even more.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
I bring this up because I do believe I was at the lowest point of my adult life at the ending of last year. so far from my truth, so far from reality. so deep in the trenches.
and I had no idea how to get out of it. I was in the midst of a dark tunnel, with no light pointing me in any certain direction.
I just knew that when I was flourishing, 8 months prior, I had a bought a visa to a foreign country. trusting in myself in the darkest of moments, just enough, to know that even
though I had found myself in the turmoil I was in, this same broken girl had believed in something magical and life changing in a land far far away, when she was standing with both feet firmly planted on the ground..
so I dropped everything. I went through every box I own. I gave away bag after bag of useless items I had spent so much of my hard earned money on, filling my life with clutter. I handed the keys to one of my proudest material possessions over to my mother. I packed my entire life into two bags and set off on my 26 hour journey. with no return ticket in sight.
no part of me can say this journey has been based on luck, or that it was easy.
this understanding that the amount of work you decide to put in, and the trust that you have that there is something much bigger than all of us, guiding and shaping you, has led to the creation of the best life I have lived to date.
I moved here bruised, pretty damn lost, but full of an undeniable hope for life.
now I’m not saying you need to move to the other side of the world to find some clarity and some of the truth you’ve lost along the way.
but I am saying if you choose not to do anything differently, nothing will change.
If you choose to just take a seat in that dark tunnel, the light isn’t going to come and miraculously find you. You have to wander, hands flailing to the walls for support, faith wrapping you up enough to provide a sense of security, until the stream of light comes into sight.
“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” —Randy Pausch
It all has being worth it, in ways I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to properly express.
in these six months, I’ve worked my booty off. working two jobs simultaneously for almost 6 months.
I have become almost completely debt free, after almost four years of attempting to get there, but consistently finding another plane ticket to another foreign country to keep my debt rolling.
while supporting myself very comfortably in a town that feels similar to the cost of living in inner city Philadelphia.
I took a huge leap, left both jobs that were paying my bills very comfortably, and fully devoted myself to a job that aligns with my truth so much, and while trusting in the process, has given me an incredible leadership opportunity and my first supervisor position.
one of the first times in my life that I feel the work I am doing is fully appreciated, seen, and respected.
only took moving to Australia to find that!
I have formed the rarest and deepest connections with such a large group of beautiful and inspiring women.
at any given moment having ten different women to reach out to, each one of them giving me a slice of life I could not find on my own.
having a huge group of empowering and strong women by my side has been a dream of mine, since the day I began to learn what having that type of empowerment in your life can do for a person.
and saving the best for last of course
meeting this man who has changed every belief I’ve had on love, friendship, and partnership.
and I find today to be such a beautiful day to write about my love with this human, because today it isn’t heart eyes and butterflies. today is is real, not so romantic, and raw.
today I am grumpy. Who knows why. Because I am getting my period maybe? Because I had a yoga class today where all we did was open our damn hips, which always causes me to feel angry. Google it, it’s a real thing. Because I slept about 4 hours longer than I should have last night?
regardless, this beautiful human is taking the blunt of my grumpiness today. Such short patience, finding myself being snappy, annoyed. And then finding myself apologizing for being unreasonable and not enjoyable company.
His response being, “honey you don’t have to apologize, you’re human, you don’t always have to be kind.”
And with the purest heart, really taking my crankiness with the least amount of cares. Because we have so much damn respect and understanding of each other.
I have gained so much grace and a learning of true patience from this human. I am learning the true meaning of loyalty and kindness. Of what it means to not complain, and the importance of not settling in something you are unhappy in, just for the means of money.
I have also learned that love is so far beyond three little words forming that all too common phrase ‘I love you’
It is not worrying where you will end up in this world, because you know you’ll be next to the person who values and cherishes your heart, your mind, and has your back, regardless of any material object or location.
It is working a long shift, and coming home to cook soup and grilled cheeses even though all you want to do is get off of your feet, because your person has a fever.
It is sitting down with absolutely no ego present, and having conversations about tough life decisions, coming to a conclusion together with such an ease you’d think you share the same brain.
But knowing very clearly, that your brains couldn’t be more different.
It’s respect, it’s honesty, it’s communication about everything, it’s little ego, matched with a lot of inner reflections from both sides.
“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.”
It’s the most beautiful love on this planet. And it’s mine.
so sit with it. What can you do to reignite the fire in your heart? How can you get your soul dancing again? Do you feel like you’re living in the truest and most fulfilled way? And if not, how are you working to get there?
“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful.”
we all are so beyond capable of living the most remarkable, unbelievable lives. Of watching every dream you’ve ever had for yourself, unfold.
Are you playing small? Or are you building towards that grand life you deserve?
with so much love to you, until we meet again xo
“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. The deeper you love yourself, the more the universe will affirm your worth. Then you can enjoy a lifelong love affair that brings you the richest fulfillment from inside out…”