And I think there is something about getting lost in the darkness. With small glimmers of light shining in, the small glimmers of people you love wrapping you up in a love you don’t feel worthy of in those moments, experiences that fill you with unexpected short burst of laugher, the beauty around that reminds you of the ease and gentleness of this world when it feels so cold and harsh. But when you’re so deep in it, even the brightest light isn’t enough. I’ve come to learn it is all about just accepting the tunnels of darkness, nagivating the darkness in the way you have learned how; the point of it all being how you find your way out. Whether it’s gracefully and full of a deep unwavering surrendering and hope, or if it with scuffed knees and broken finger nails from the crawling to the other side.
“Do you know where your safe harbors are? lives are meant to be lived, so live yours as fully as you can. But remember that you cannot live fully when you’re recovering from storm damage. Be bold, but be safe.”
I’ve learned as I’ve remerged from the other side recently, that what matters is that you love and believe enough to know the darkness does end, if that’s the choice you choose you believe in.
Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.It feels like an actual year since I’ve sat and spilled my heart to all of you. A lifetime has happened. So much that I am struggling to even decide where to start.
Do I talk about love? Do I talk about making tough choices and having faith through them? Do I talk about being so utterly lost in what I am doing in life, but how I’ve never felt more at ease?Australia has been such an eye opener to me in ways I wonder if Ill ever be able to express.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned and will take with me for the rest of my days //
staying complacent when you know it isn’t right
not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life, but knowing surely what you don’t want ~ anxiety, unhappiness, constant unease against your values
when you know its time to go but you choose to just stay because that feels safer
in so many different areas of your life
relationships jobs town you live in
I stayed put in a relationship that should have ended about 4 months before it did end, suffering way longer than necessary, and while I have no regrets and my journey unfolded exactly how it was meant to, I really caused myself more trauma than I should have, trauma I am still healing and carrying with me today
I knew it was time to go, but leaving felt so much scarier and harder than staying
where would I go? who would I spend time with? Was it really THAT bad that I couldn’t just tough it out?
Tough it out. You should never ‘tough’ anything out.
I stayed put in a job that was so out of alignment with who I am, that caused me to be absolutely miserable, to cry often, to make me physically ill. I stayed because starting over felt too scary. Taking a cut in hours in money felt too financially difficult.
Never again will I stay complacent, never again will I stay put in something that is SO clearly not what is meant for me. Times will always be tough, that’s not what I am saying here. Jobs will feel annoying and unenjoyable at times. There will be difficult conversations, days of mundane weaker connections with you partner. That’s life, and that’s normal. But days full of anxiety, of unease, of pits in your stomach. Never will I settle in those days again. and I hope you will grow to not settle in those feelings with me.
I quit my job recently, at the start of winter here, which is a very difficult time to find work, nearly impossible, if you ask 9/10 people in Byron looking for work. But I trusted, I gave it to the universe, truly whole heartedly, and I found work that aligns with me. With a lose in hours, with a lose in a couple hundred dollars a week. I think maybe I’ve never been broker than I am at this point, but you know what?
I am so happy. I feel peace, at ease. And I know my finances will work out just fine, so I’m flowing and enjoying in more relaxed hours for the time being.faith faith so much faith
“When I was 5 years old my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when i grew up. I wrote down “Happy”. They told me i didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
Monday, I moved.
It’s been one week
In my dream house
Big open windows, light that floods the house, huge comfy spaces to curl up on these cold winter nights, a king size bed with windows that look out into the garden to the tips of palm tress, with a girl in the next room that has a heart full of kindness and grace. Full of nights with the girlfriends I’ve dreamed of having my entire life, curled up together in the living room with wine and tea and deep meaningful conversation about different cultures and values and love.
All while being given this amazing opportunity to share this unbelievable adventure and space with this man who has become one of the biggest and most special parts of my journey.
If you would have told me in January when I decided to move to Australia I would be moving into a breathtaking space with a Brazilian I’ve grown to love so dearly, I would have actually laughed in your face, and continued on with a conversation that actually made sense,
however, life couldn’t make more sense. There being something so powerful and raw about coming to learn who you are, and what your body is telling you. When we talked about potentially sharing a space together last month, no fear came up. When we went and looked at spaces together last week, no fear came up as we left hand in hand knowing that was the space we wanted. And when we’ve spent every day this week falling asleep and waking up together, bed head morning breath mundane moments, I have never felt closer to a person before in my life.
And what I am learning about love from this experience is, there’s such a reality of experiences ending at any point
And you can let that fill you with fear, and keep you from loving or traveling or experiencing. Or you can love and live with all you have, and make every single moment count.
Him and I could potentially part ways in December. Both of us living in a foreign country, both of us having a legal time limit here, and a home base in countries far apart. And yeah, I could have chosen to allow that reality to keep this person at an arms length, staying put as just my best friend.
But instead I’ve leaned in, put my arms down and let him wrap me up in a love so special I wonder if there will ever be a comparison.
What if we all loved and lived as though there was a time ending? Imagine how special the world would be?
sending you so much love & light as you go through this journey of ups and downs highs and lows ❤