How I’m learning to conquer this unwavering fear..

“I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.”― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

It’s been two months since I have sat myself in a cafe, drinking cup after cup of coffee. Getting so lost in the paragraphs, the heart cleansing testimonies, that the time between sips of coffee is so long my coffee becomes cold and bitter, only to be reminded how important getting lost here with you is.

It’s been two months since I took the time to sit with myself and reflect to you, the ones who show up to walk this journey with me. And it’s been two months because of pure & unwavering fear. Sitting down and writing about these struggles, about this learning, about how I keep feeling like I am making the same mistakes, about how ultimately the lessons I need to learn, keep repeating themselves. And really, I just don’t want to sound unappreciative of what I do have, I don’t want to sound naive, and I ultimately dont want to come off as showing no growth.

So much fear in the judgement in not being good enough to sit here and share this journey with you. And for what? I am serving no purpose hiding, and I am surely not living my biggest belief, being gentle on yourself.

So for that I want to say, I am sorry I have allowed fear to take over and keep me from connecting with you all, and I am very thankful you have taken the time to reconnect with me

It’s never too late to try again. 

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

I was out the other night, in this little town that has grown to become my home. Hugging all of these delightful friends I run into a couple nights a week. I was stopped in my tracks as one of them gave me this tight squeezed hug and said (something close to these beautiful words), “I just want you to know when I feel like I want to be doing better at life, I sit and reread your blog to be reminded it’s going to be okay, and that it is okay.” 

Did I ever need that reminder. That nudge that it has been way too long, and I need to show up. For me, for you, for us. 

It helps that this month, this week, marks a year since I embarked on my life changing Thailand trip. So many time hops, so many hours I’ve sat and reflected on that experience. So today, I am four cups of coffee in, and getting deep with you.

Reflecting back to my time before leaving for Thailand.

Who was Kelsie? What did she stand for? What did she believe in?

I cant even place the before Kelsie. With no belief in a higher being, no guidebook on the importance of doing the best for yourself and others, pretty stone cold in emotion, just moving through the motions, in an autopilot of trauma really. I resisted growing internally, because I was proud to be who I was, after  years and years of surviving on what felt like my own. Living as a child of trauma, on having parents who chose substances over me time and time again, not even realizing that that period of my life made as big an impact as it did as an adult. Don’t get me wrong, I was doing well. I was passionate in helping victims, I was kind to others, I was enthusiastic about traveling and learning. I wasn’t choosing substances to cope, I was showing up to all of my responsibilities effortlessly. But I was only really living one side of myself. I was so self righteous without any real understanding of what that meant, thinking there was no dark, challenging side to myself. I dated men who didn’t challenge me, or wouldn’t point out my flaws; who gave me what I wanted, and told me what I wanted to hear. I engaged in activities that didn’t make me feel incompetent, and if I started to feel that I was failing, I would quit before the reality that I wasn’t good enough set in.  I lived in this world of: I am good enough, better than you in a sense because I lived through the hell I lived through, and was “killing it” at life. Now let me make it known, I wasn’t consciously thinking that way,  but sub-consciously, I had some heavy shit to work on.

Woah. What a paragraph. What a reality, putting it in words for the first time.

I arrived in Thailand, that person above. Ready to take on whatever the days had in store for me. I was immersed in all of these concepts that at time meant nothing to me, but seeped into me little by little every day. Buddhist temples, rock formations that poured out this surreal energy that I felt every night when I laid down to sleep, mediation in all the corners I walked by, and a kindness in every soul that I meant.

I came home, and I knew something was different. It took me a few months before I could place exactly what it was. But I knew my purpose in life was different, I knew there was an awakening inside of me, patiently waiting for me to explore it. I started slowly playing with crystal energy, burning sage, buying my first set of tarot cards (but not using them for 6 months). All of these steps I was taking to connect me with an understanding that there was something bigger, a belief I brought home with me from Thailand. I started doing yoga, and I believe that is when it really became full circle, the spiritual opening in yoga was one I couldn’t deny.

When I think back, it felt that it all happened overnight. Like I woke up one day and God was sitting on my edge of my bed saying, “Kelsie, it’s so nice to finally meet you, I’ve been waiting for you, now let’s walk hand and hand and live out this life in ease and peace together.” 

But it wasn’t overnight, and it has NOT been all peace and ease and rainbows and butterflies. Its been almost a year process, a real hard year of growing. In January I started praying, dropping to my knees and praying to someone? The universe really, but that didn’t make much sense to me. It wasn’t until I started reading Eat Pray Love that God made sense to me. I had resisted the idea of “God” for 24 years of my life; the idea of this big powerful man living  in his big fluffy heaven, sitting on his shiny thrown, in this land far far away, judging me for all the choices I made that didn’t align with the way he wanted us all to live, to then save me/accept me when I chose to live the way he wanted me to. No sir, he was not for me!

Oh Kelsie. how silly and stubborn you can be sometimes. Thank god you realized you needed to find some maturity in that avenue of your life.  

As confident as I have felt in finding God, in finding my faith, in learning my purpose is not one of my own, but how I can best serve others to then find myself being serve, in working to eliminate this immense need for control by replacing it with full trust in my faith, has been one that has cracked me open, and caused so. much. beautiful heart ache. But heart ache none the less.

So I come back to the above. I should have been writing, I should have been sharing, but this growth, this type of learning, this making what feels like mistake after mistake, having the same conversation over and over again, and just not getting it right away, has been really hard. And I have isolated my journey through that, except with a few of my close people.

“There is time to adventure heartily into new possibilities, but there is also a need for quiet integration time on the self-creation journey. We can have all the peak experiences we want but the real work happens between the peaks, while laying down and integrating on the valley floor. Growers are inch worms, one soul-step at a time. This may frustrate us, but it’s the only way to craft an awareness that is authentic and sustainable.”

I have these best friends, my mother, my aunt, and this amazing man, who stand by me and walk with me as I grow, no matter if I’m skipping, tripping, sprinting, or just dragging my feet.

If you take anything from this, it’s something I’ve said time and time again:

You have got to find your people. Without them, without that strong foundation holding you up, how does anything make sense? 

I have learned that surrendering is hard man, real hard. I have some deep rooted control troubles from childhood. I’ve prayed for help relinquishing control, I’ve prayed to allow myself to feel emotional release, because I have never been a person who feels safe to cry, to show weakness. I’ve prayed for these parts of me to be healed, but with that comes all the steps that are taken before being healed. So much of me feels like a rebirth, a new person being brought into this world, but where does that leave who I’ve been for 24 years? Woooooahhhh. So hard. Life is so beautiful, and so hard some days.

“It is seldom as simple as asking the universe for what we want and we get it. We need to get our emotional world consistent with our requests before they will be taken seriously by the universe. The more emotionally unresolved we are, the denser the message we transmit. The trick is to clear ourselves our the from the inside-out so that we are emanating from a clear and unified channel. Then our request might carry more weight, then we might fall on open ears..”

Through all of this, I’ve realized how damn challenging being in a partnership is as well. Trying to navigate who I am as this becoming person, while trying to navigate who I am in a partnership, is real demanding some days. However, I thank God every single day for this love he has given me, because even at it’s hardest (which the reality is the hardest days are just the ones where we resist at the moment the deep rooted pieces of us we must work on), this person supports and encourages me to keep taking small steps forward, no matter how many times I trip. No matter how many times he trips.

Life is beyond beautiful, I am so genuinely blessed; but I just want to remind each of you, remind myself, that it is sometimes effortless to fall victim to those conclusions that a person’s life is all that it appears to be from the outside: sunny beach days, spontaneous endless happiness to random corners of foreign lands, days full of nothing but laughter and kisses, and nights full of dancing and freedom. The reality is, in those people you compare your life, your days to, you don’t always see: the days full of hard conversations, tearful nights, hours of aching to know what’s next, full of wonder if the right choices are being made, to be filled with guilt of remembering, there is no next, there is only right now, learning that same lesson over and over again until it no longer serves you. Please don’t allow your thoughts to get consumed with the beauty of pretend, and the trap of comparing your life to others. Everybody struggles. 

Keep walking with me, while I figure it out, while you figure it out?

With so much love.

“I am glad you were born. Such an important thing to say, but so seldom heard. I wonder what would happen on this planet if we said it to each other on a regular basis. Even to seeming strangers we encounter on our daily travels. I am glad you were born- the anti shame mantra. I am glad you were born. I am glad you were born. I am glad you were born. I am glad..”

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “How I’m learning to conquer this unwavering fear..

  1. Wow, this post has really helped me and definitely put some of my thoughts into words! Reading this has come at perfect timing for me. Thank you for writing this 🙂

    Like

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