What I’m learning about loss, prayer, and internal strength..

There’s nothing like double espresso, soul clenching music, and long drives to really get my gears rolling. I’ve been hit with such a PUSH to get words out, that I’m sitting in some random church parking lot on Route 50, midway through my drive home, spilling these words out.  I’ve gone through periods where I can’t get thoughts out for the life of me. I’d sit in front of my computer, and just feel nothing churning inside of me to share. And then there are times like these, when I can’t get the thoughts down fast enough. Searching for a good cup of coffee and a cozy place to sit and zone out to my writing. Those are the pieces I acknowledge are crucial to share with all of you. 

When I started this blog I made it a conscious point to never write for my own processing, for my own benefit, because that’s what I journal for. Everything I share, I believe wholeheartedly has such an importance for all of you to live and learn through right beside me. Situations that all of us go through, but sometimes don’t have the clear insight or guidance or support. Maybe feeling you are living in the dark alone with it. So my ache is to be that support for you through those dark periods, even if that means I’ve had to live in the darkness to share with you.

This piece is so fresh, so new, still painful, but I’m moved to share it so heavily that I’m going to do my best to share it with you all in the most gentle way possible.

My brain has been torturing me. The first two hours of this drive. Replaying every single line, every moment, every heart skip, every period that I wanted to turn and run because I knew how my heart was feeling was dangerous, but instead I stepped in closer. I stopped on this drive and prayed. I prayed for peace within myself to let this moments rise, allow myself to feel them, and then to carry on their way because they are no longer serving a purpose to stick around for so long. I also prayed for him, for him to find a reconnect with life, with his purpose, with learning the importance of his words. Because:

The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.”― Bob Marley

I spent the last six months with this man who my god, makes most men look like cowards. This man loved me with every single cell in his body, would have literally moved a mountain for me. Showed up for me every single day with ease. And I sat by his side for 6 months, caring for him the best my heart could show up for, but never being able to reach a point of full devoted love. For reason I will truly never understand, honest to god. When pulling my tarot card for guidance with this chapter, I pull The Fool card, which aligns with the exact reasons I did not embrace a long term relationship with him. The phases in life add up for exactly how they are meant to, we must learn to stop fighting the course. 

To move to Ocean City and get completely immersed in feelings of such love (and I define love as: an intense feeling of deep affection) for someone I’ve cared about for as a friend for a good period of time, was such a shake up for me. I wasn’t planning, nor searching for that. At all actually. I had been so blocked from those feelings for the last year, I didn’t even believe it was a part of me at this phase of my life.

There has been so many clear lessons in these last two weeks though, it is absolutely surreal. Mind blowing really. God making it clear that this needed to happen in my life, to awaken new parts of me.

I also have gotten so in touch with the reading of my own Tarot Cards through this phase of my life, and when I tell you it’s ABSOLUTELY sickening how much they are accurate, how much they mirror what I need, it’s mind blowing. If you want to know more about this part of my life, reach out to me and I’ll share more.  

My best friends have showed up for me in way I could have never imagined. Processing the confusion, the ache, the amount of self doubt that I have let creep in more times than I like to admit. With an unwavering amount of support, or frustration when I need to be told the same lesson 3 times. So the first piece I give back to you is, FIND YOUR PEOPLE.

Open your heart, manifest the importance of having your group of really supportive and empowering people. And when you start to receive them, hold on to them for dear life. And don’t forget the importance of showing up for them as equally. 

My best friend/big sister/top favorite human Breesha shares the most empowering and enlightening conversations with me daily. And my god, does she balance out my chaotic brain sometimes. With that being said, I think it’s so important to remember and share these few things that she shared with me this last week.

How a person shows up for you isn’t a reflection on you.

Phase 1: Think about the phases people go through- sometimes we are not our best to other people, depending where are in life. (I know there’s been periods I wasn’t a good friend, or a good partner, you too I’m sure?) It has nothing to do with the other persons worth and everything to do with our own worth and head space that we project unto them. 

Phase 2: Nothing can be done or said to be able to make this shift within ourselves, it must come when we are ready to make that shift, ready to connect to our purpose. 

Phase 3: And if someone doesn’t choose us its not because we aren’t enough for them- the flip side- they aren’t enough for you. Ever think of that? People show you true colors, in where he is who he is as a person at this point in life, and he is not worthy of you. Hes not a bad person, he just isn’t ready to deserve you. 

And the biggest lesson of it all is, processing how a person can exist in your life for a reason other than extended periods love.

So many parts of me ache wishing I would have never put myself in the place to awaken to these feelings. But it was such a crucial part of my journey of self growth and self love for myself and for the people entering my life.

Allowing me to sit and decide, who am I am? What does rejection do to me? What values do I put on love? How can I make my definition of love the most healthy and meaningful? And what is my worth? 

Surrender- not to the way you want things to be, but to the things are- right now. Sometimes that means we surrender to loneliness, defeat, confusion, and helplessness. Maybe something has to happen first, before we can get what we want or do what we want. Maybe there’s an important lesson you’re trying to skip. 

Excerpt from The Language of Letting Go.

It’s so crucial to remember what every path you are are, whether it be a happy healthy relationship, a toxic relationship, broke and barely making ends meet, rich and living wildly, it’s all crucial to the journey.

I need you to  give yourself permission to be gentle on yourself when handling the aches of life. The confusion, the self doubt, the feelings of impulse, making choices that don’t align with your values, only to realign your values. It all adds up. It all develops you.

Be kind. Be true. Be honest. Be gentle. 

Keep manifesting, and keep praying. 

And trust the damn process.

So much love for you, and know I am here with you. 

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